“To fight or try to mask your anxiety only serves to make matters worse”
Performance anxiety, also known as Stage Fright, can strike any time we’re feeling vulnerable, and for those of you that have had to deal with quitting porn and/or are virgins (particularly “late bloomers”), there can be a more prominent feeling of anxiety when hooking up with a girl.
Many men find that after the second or third time with the same woman that they can finally relax and get out of their heads. If you won’t have this opportunity or you just want the freedom to experience one-night stands as and when you choose, then it’s imperative that you learn how to effectively deal with it.
It’s worth noting that since this is a very common condition, most women have been at the receiving end before and will do their best to alleviate any stress you’re feeling and put you at ease. However, the only way to ensure it doesn’t keep happening is to take control of the situation.
I’m a Lover, Not a Fight or Flighter
Any time we feel anxiety that is our subconscious mind’s way of telling us that we fear the outcome of whatever is about to happen.
Anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system, producing adrenaline and constricting the blood vessels. This “fight or flight” syndrome certainly doesn’t lend itself well to when all we want to do is make love.
And it can feel emasculating to watch your partner’s seductive visage turn to a countenance filled with concerned pity as your penis decides, in light of some imagined imminent danger that the best course of action is to play dead.
What is Sexual Performance Anxiety?
What we’re dealing with here are your insecurities coupled with your inability to be present in the moment. You are retreating into your head and all you can hear echoing inside are questions like:
- “Is my penis big enough?”
- “What if I don’t last long enough?”
- “What if [past bad experience] happens again?”
- “Will she think I’m any good?”
- “Will I get hard enough?”
Or it can be that you hear nothing in your head at all but instead feel the intense pressure of your insecurities bearing down on you; there’s a tightening in your chest and groin, and your stomach begins to tangle itself in knots. Suddenly you don’t feel very sexy anymore.
Then you try and fight it and surprise, surprise, it doesn’t help at all, in fact, it only makes it worse!
Once you’ve experienced this inability to perform, you now have another insecurity to add to the list, which produces a negative feedback loop, further fueling a seemingly perpetual cycle of failed sexual experiences and disappointed lovers.
How to Deal With Performance Anxiety in the Short Term
Now, you know you need to try and relax and get out of your own head but you just can’t make it happen.
Let me ask you something, how does one try to relax?
Think about it. Relaxing is the absence of trying. It is letting go.
Instead of trying to relax it works much better if you just visualize a scene that relaxes you. For example: a rain drop that gently falls from the sky and lands on a leaf, before slowly sliding off; or the ocean waves lapping at the shore in the moonlight, rolling like waves of glistening, black… err… tar, I don’t know, painting relaxing scenes isn’t really my forte but you get the idea.
Perhaps visualizing isn’t suitable for you in this scenario, so first things first, you can tell your partner that you feel a bit tense and need to loosen up. This will ease some of the pressure so that you don’t have to suffer in silence or make up a bunch of dumb excuses.
The most effective way to calm your anxiety is to focus on your breathing. There are ways of doing this without your patient lover watching you hyperventilate, and you can even do this during foreplay (although a little difficult if you go down on her) so that you don’t need to break the mood and energy of the moment.
Just breathe in through your nose, slowly, counting to 4, then hold it in for 4 seconds, then release for 4 seconds. It doesn’t matter if your heart is pounding like a jack hammer, your retracted balls are knocking against your tonsils and your penis has shriveled up like an old gherkin, breathing like this will slowly but surely ease your body.
Next, you need to get out of your head. To do this you need to focus on what’s going on outside of you (well, duh). Look at your partner as you engage in some heavy petting; pay attention to the tactile sensations, the sounds she makes, the curves of her body. Don’t think about these things, just allow yourself to process what you see, feel, hear and taste.
You can test it out right now. You’ve picked up a pen a million times before but I doubt you’ve ever really focused on how it felt in your hand. Do it now and pay complete attention to how it feels against your fingertips. Roll it around, feel the edges and notice the more focused you are on it, the less attention you pay to yourself.
These are the quick fixes for when performance anxiety attacks you in the bedroom. To recap:
- Let it be known that you are not completely relaxed
- Slowly Inhale, hold, exhale, hold
- Focus all your attention on your partner
How to fix Performance Anxiety permanently
This is a little trickier because you will need to have a heavy self-counseling session to uncover and address what could be some deep-seated insecurities.
Fortunately for you the Mental Impotence Healer guide covers this in great detail and I’ve heard from dozens of guys that swear by it. I suggest you read through the material and don’t allow another night of passion to be ruined by performance anxiety.